"But you don't look that Asian" & other struggles of being a culturally ambiguous girl

Ok, so unrelated little intro, but this past Friday I went to Adele (amazing) and sat alone. It was a journey I did not expect to make, but one I deeply value. I felt pretty much every single human emotion within that two hours and it was extraordinarily eyeopening and deeply gratifying. I just had to share that, and also remind myself (and you guys I guess) that I should go see music artists, visit art galleries and indulge in community events well and truly as an independent person more often.

Note to self: explore the arts independently, it's hella fun and oftentimes pleasantly insightful.

Ok, so back to my clickbait title (lol). I am Asian. Yes. South-East Asian - Filipino to be exact. Cool, so now we've established that - I feel it's necessary for me to give a little bit more context. I was born in Australia and have spent my entire life living in Australia. I do not speak any other language other than English (unfortunately) and I haven't been to the Philippines since I was 12 years old. I grew up in Penrith NSW (predominantly caucasian) yet attended a selective high school (predominantly Asian). All facts.

Ok, so this post is going to inevitably delve into dating (I tend to channel Carrie Bradshaw when I sit here typing), but it's one of those confusing ones where I don't really know what the point of this particular post is. Regardless, my brain has no intention of letting me sleep and I have every intention of sharing my thoughts with the world - so, here goes: I have only ever been in interracial relationships (BOOM). Yep. This is fact. Yet, a fact that I did not forge or premeditate... just one that happens to be.

I have not dated a Filipino boy (despite that being the go-to for a lot of my Filipino acquaintances) and there is no particular reason for that. Ok that's not true. Here are some hypotheses that I have come up with that are the root of my culturally ambiguous purgatory
1. I didn't grow up with Filipino pals. Nope. I guess I had a few family friends, but then I went to my predominantly Caucasian primary school straight to my predominantly Asian (Chinese, Indian, Korean, Vietnamese) high school. So, where would I meet said boys except at family events (who are mostly cousins)?
2. Whenever I did by chance start a friendship/flirtation with a Filipino boy, him (and all his friends/family???) would consistently comment on how tall I was. YES. This is actually a thing. I know I am tall but it gets uncomfortable when it's all people say. Then I get all insecure and sh#t because it's like, why would they be interested in me - the behemoth - etc etc. and consequently project that insecurity onto all situations
3. My mix-matched upbringing has made me into a person so culturally different from traditionally Filipino groups that I cannot seem to feasibly bridge that gap in values or lifestyle. Furthermore, I don't look Filipino according to a lot of people, including FIlipinos. I don't know whether I'm imagining it but somehow I feel like there is a valid point in this idea somewhere I just can't quite express it verbally, so if you understand - yay, and if you don't - please disregard.
4. My family is not exactly heavily involved in any Filipino groups or activities. And, with family being such a huge influence on me, I feel like I just took that relaxed attitude as well and never really took the train to Filipino-populated areas to hang out in shopping centres and just like flag down new friends

Ok. So, I would date a Filipino boy. But it's hard because I don't know any - so, I have since (it's been years of this) broadened my horizons. I check out people of all cultures (no joke) and have harboured crushes on the most culturally diverse people, but somehow I'm always left with the same problem/persisting doubt: would they be interested in someone like me?

Alright so everyone has that doubt... I know. And, I also know that I'm not special with being culturally ambiguous in Australia because it's such a great, multicultural country but man if you understand my feels right now THANK GOD because it's legitimately so tiring being worried all the time and constantly second-guessing myself. My underlying thought (and overriding worry when writing this post was this):

If you're comfortable in your skin, then you should just be satisfied and confident that you - no matter your racial appearance - will be attractive to others

There are (2) major issues with this thought
1. Am not entirely confident in own skin due to various sociocultural and emotional reasons
2. I reject that culture/race and upbringing does not have an impact on who you're attracted to

Let me expand on 2. I have been the girlfriend of a boy who only dates Asians. Yes, and I knew this going into that relationship (despite it being strange to me, I eventually just realised it was a personal preference thing rather than that other problematic submissive vs. dominant fetishisation situation often referred to in cultural discourse). I have met countless white men who have explicitly told me they like "blondes", or "brunettes" or "girls with blue eyes" etc. (I mean, there are no other categories, right?). The closest I get to feeling attractive in many social situations is when someone says "I have had a stint of yellow fever before" and this is a cause of concern.

But then, I also feel awkward about that because most Caucasian people I know also tell me I don't look Asian. So, does yellow fever even apply to me??? It's all too confusing. I am tired just thinking about it. Am I anyone's type? SHOULD I CARE? I probably shouldn't but hey I wrote this so I obviously do.

Ok it's midnight, I need to sleep. If you're a brown girl/racially ambiguous girl like myself and wanna vent tho pleeeeease HMU for coffee because I am looking for a mate who understands what I'm talking about and can give me validation hugs + words of advice.

Night loves,

Mielzy x