Sitting alone in bed on a Saturday night was not the moment I envisioned I would vividly come to understand that I'm doing a really good job of mending myself and thriving - yet, somehow this is where I'm at and I'm not at all disappointed. The screenshotted list above is an iPhone note I wrote a week after I was broken up with last year and holy moly when I opened the old, forgotten note on my iCloud this evening I literally shed a tear. Yeah that's absolutely sappy and totally self-indulgent but I did. I am so proud and excited to have an awareness of this feeling of accomplishment that I've earned.
I remember sincerely sobbing writing that list, thinking over-and-over, 'these things will make me so distracted I won't even worry about being single and missing him'. That was not entirely true, and heck, for the first few months I thought those things weren't really doing anything at all... but look where I am now? Look how many recpies I've churned out, the extra 20 push ups I can do in a row, not to mention the truly supportive university relationships I've managed to forge. I took myself out of the deep pit I described in an early blog and Bruce Wayne'd the shit out of my heartbreak prison (See! I can even reference Batman - his favourite hero - without wanting to cry sappy, awful, longing tears).
I've got a deeper knowledge of my strength and resilience now that I've done all this. Look, I'm not trying to insult anyone who's currently in a relationship (or is a serial relationshipper.... guuiiiiilltyyyy) - I'm merely writing this because I know heartbreak happens to almost everyone at some point. No matter how many times you hear the phrase "it gets better" in those acute weeks of ABSOLUTE fear for your seemingly inevitable life-long loneliness and years of pining over your lost love.... it doesn't feel real or make it hurt any less. I just hope someone can read this and be like 'damn, I know exactly what she means' and that this journey I'm taking from being broken to being OK helps them forgive themselves for falling into all the traps of reminiscence and feeling like they're not doing enough to move on.
I didn't feel like I was doing enough - but now I know I was. I know I am after reading that list and re-imagining what I felt like on the day I wrote it. Looking back, I am stronger in more ways than one.
So? The sunny side of singledom? As cliched as it sounds, it's meeting people. When you're single, there's this abstract freedom in getting to know someone - like - there's the possibility for adventure and spontaneous passion that you unknowingly end up forgoing when you're in a loving, wholesome relationship. I'm not saying it's better or worse, I'm just saying it's good.
I mean, it's fun to have a cheeky chat with the cute bartender and find out he's an aspiring actor who moved here from a small country town. It's nice to tell someone about yourself who knows nothing about you, hoping maybe you might click on a deeper level than just acquaintances. Maybe even best friends? When you're in that bubble of a relationship it feels like you already have your whole world and everyone else becomes a little less bright, colourful and enticing. We don't mean for it to be that way, it just is. I'm just happy that right now I'm okay not knowing.
I'm comfortable with being unsure where to channel my love, hope and adoration. I have freedom to channel it into the things that might make me more balanced, more confident and less reliant on assuring words from that loved-person I so often crave.
I am not debilitatingly insecure right now. I am just your average amount of young-20's female insecure and I could not be more proud.
To all my single and frustrated friends: work towards loving your loneliness, it'll start feeling less lonely if you do. This is like my #fitnesstransformation, but instead of a new body, I'm getting a new mindset. So far, the progress is pretty damn satisfying.
- Mielzy
