“Everything is too good, I’m going to fuck it up, it’s inevitable”
Thankfully, 8 years into generalised anxiety, gone are the days of mottled extremities in icy cold showers and wristbands hiding physical markers of my dwindling self worth. “I have overcome.” I tell myself at least once a week, when I feel my brain fall toward unhelpful paths. “I am resili-“.... I try. I try to tell myself I have faith in the fire in my belly that keeps me going, but oftentimes it’s not enough to stop a spiral of repeated internal mantras that arguably hurt more than a dismantled Gilette razor ever could.
Everyone who’s ever been kind enough to love me - whether romantically or platonically - has tried to convince me that my internal monologue is harming me, and despite knowing (deep down) that they’re right, I am yet to rid the habit completely. Convincing myself I’m not worthy of anyone’s time is the only reason I’ve ever managed to find ways to earn it. Simple. People like me (or, rather, us *to all the other anxious souls who might be reading this) don’t ever really see our wins as a result of something inherent within us. I consistently feel an exaggerated level of “luckiness” that I’ve never ever felt like I deserve, and even though part of me wants to take credit for it - for my achievements, I really do - every time I work hard enough to pull off something worth celebrating, I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water. All I’m doing when I have a self-serviced win is maintaining the happiness status quo that I should be grateful for because I’m just so goddamn lucky to be given the opportunities I have in my life. “I’m not special,” I think, “Someone else with my luck would be doing 9,000 times better.” I don’t ever let myself think I did something over and beyond what was expected by the universe.
And that’s how I convince myself I stay grounded, by never feeling too proud of myself. By belittling my own self worth, so that, by default, I can always be striving to be better. The dream, right? - all successful people are continuously striving to be better. In theory, yes, this might work if I was some kind of emotionally secure person who could metaphorically pat themselves on the back once in a while. In practice, as someone with a dismantled ego, it hurts. Never being truly proud of yourself makes you feel helpless, hopeless and lost in the past - sometimes the future - but almost never (and I’m not exaggerating) the present.
So, when the present comes and wraps its warm arms around my anxious mind once in a while - as it did during the weekend that just passed - I get extremely distressed when the future comes creeping back to steal my attention again. Currently on the train back to Dubbo, I am well aware of the warmth and security of 72 hours celebrating the good in my life unravelling around my body. I’m conscious of the doubt seeding itself back into my core.
I just started to think about the next way I will disappoint the people around me - but then, I started to write. I started to write this blog to try to remind myself that negative self-talk is not only harmful for me, but it takes away my capacity to give back to people who would benefit from knowing a person who believes in themselves. I am working on being that person, and giving back in ways that show I’m grateful for my luck in life, and for today, that should be enough.
Being kind to ourselves is enough of a goal for now. So that’s my Monday message. Lean into the self-love, tell yourself you’re resilient.
You deserve to believe it.
♥️♥️♥️
M
