"But you don't look that Asian" & other struggles of being a culturally ambiguous girl

Ok, so unrelated little intro, but this past Friday I went to Adele (amazing) and sat alone. It was a journey I did not expect to make, but one I deeply value. I felt pretty much every single human emotion within that two hours and it was extraordinarily eyeopening and deeply gratifying. I just had to share that, and also remind myself (and you guys I guess) that I should go see music artists, visit art galleries and indulge in community events well and truly as an independent person more often.

Note to self: explore the arts independently, it's hella fun and oftentimes pleasantly insightful.

Ok, so back to my clickbait title (lol). I am Asian. Yes. South-East Asian - Filipino to be exact. Cool, so now we've established that - I feel it's necessary for me to give a little bit more context. I was born in Australia and have spent my entire life living in Australia. I do not speak any other language other than English (unfortunately) and I haven't been to the Philippines since I was 12 years old. I grew up in Penrith NSW (predominantly caucasian) yet attended a selective high school (predominantly Asian). All facts.

Ok, so this post is going to inevitably delve into dating (I tend to channel Carrie Bradshaw when I sit here typing), but it's one of those confusing ones where I don't really know what the point of this particular post is. Regardless, my brain has no intention of letting me sleep and I have every intention of sharing my thoughts with the world - so, here goes: I have only ever been in interracial relationships (BOOM). Yep. This is fact. Yet, a fact that I did not forge or premeditate... just one that happens to be.

I have not dated a Filipino boy (despite that being the go-to for a lot of my Filipino acquaintances) and there is no particular reason for that. Ok that's not true. Here are some hypotheses that I have come up with that are the root of my culturally ambiguous purgatory
1. I didn't grow up with Filipino pals. Nope. I guess I had a few family friends, but then I went to my predominantly Caucasian primary school straight to my predominantly Asian (Chinese, Indian, Korean, Vietnamese) high school. So, where would I meet said boys except at family events (who are mostly cousins)?
2. Whenever I did by chance start a friendship/flirtation with a Filipino boy, him (and all his friends/family???) would consistently comment on how tall I was. YES. This is actually a thing. I know I am tall but it gets uncomfortable when it's all people say. Then I get all insecure and sh#t because it's like, why would they be interested in me - the behemoth - etc etc. and consequently project that insecurity onto all situations
3. My mix-matched upbringing has made me into a person so culturally different from traditionally Filipino groups that I cannot seem to feasibly bridge that gap in values or lifestyle. Furthermore, I don't look Filipino according to a lot of people, including FIlipinos. I don't know whether I'm imagining it but somehow I feel like there is a valid point in this idea somewhere I just can't quite express it verbally, so if you understand - yay, and if you don't - please disregard.
4. My family is not exactly heavily involved in any Filipino groups or activities. And, with family being such a huge influence on me, I feel like I just took that relaxed attitude as well and never really took the train to Filipino-populated areas to hang out in shopping centres and just like flag down new friends

Ok. So, I would date a Filipino boy. But it's hard because I don't know any - so, I have since (it's been years of this) broadened my horizons. I check out people of all cultures (no joke) and have harboured crushes on the most culturally diverse people, but somehow I'm always left with the same problem/persisting doubt: would they be interested in someone like me?

Alright so everyone has that doubt... I know. And, I also know that I'm not special with being culturally ambiguous in Australia because it's such a great, multicultural country but man if you understand my feels right now THANK GOD because it's legitimately so tiring being worried all the time and constantly second-guessing myself. My underlying thought (and overriding worry when writing this post was this):

If you're comfortable in your skin, then you should just be satisfied and confident that you - no matter your racial appearance - will be attractive to others

There are (2) major issues with this thought
1. Am not entirely confident in own skin due to various sociocultural and emotional reasons
2. I reject that culture/race and upbringing does not have an impact on who you're attracted to

Let me expand on 2. I have been the girlfriend of a boy who only dates Asians. Yes, and I knew this going into that relationship (despite it being strange to me, I eventually just realised it was a personal preference thing rather than that other problematic submissive vs. dominant fetishisation situation often referred to in cultural discourse). I have met countless white men who have explicitly told me they like "blondes", or "brunettes" or "girls with blue eyes" etc. (I mean, there are no other categories, right?). The closest I get to feeling attractive in many social situations is when someone says "I have had a stint of yellow fever before" and this is a cause of concern.

But then, I also feel awkward about that because most Caucasian people I know also tell me I don't look Asian. So, does yellow fever even apply to me??? It's all too confusing. I am tired just thinking about it. Am I anyone's type? SHOULD I CARE? I probably shouldn't but hey I wrote this so I obviously do.

Ok it's midnight, I need to sleep. If you're a brown girl/racially ambiguous girl like myself and wanna vent tho pleeeeease HMU for coffee because I am looking for a mate who understands what I'm talking about and can give me validation hugs + words of advice.

Night loves,

Mielzy x

Why I'm choosing to remain optimistic even when it seems so uncool

I wrote a poem about my broken heart the other day (above) and posted it to instagram after a gruelling mental debate on whether it was tacky and well... just a downright shit idea. It turned out it wasn't and I'm super glad I mustered up the courage to post such an intimate, mundane and oddly significant piece of myself online. This blog post isn't just in reference to internet sharing - even though I am ecstatic to be seeing fellow friends putting their wonderful selves out there with their art/writing/photos/opinions (I thoroughly enjoy venturing inside a mind other than my own once in a while) - I'm writing about why I had to question myself and my motives in the first place.

I questioned myself because in the past I've been teased, belittled and singled out for being a "try hard", "hopeless" and "naive". I am all of those things, some of the time. I know this now, and after doing a bit of adulting I'm actually seeing how all those insults actually helped create a version of me that I don't want to dampen or let go of. I am oftentimes judged by the fact that I don't keep much of what I'm thinking to myself, that I post too much, or I say how I feel too easily.

It makes me think of how I approach people - friends, men, acquaintances (anyone, really). Actually, I wasn't planning to admit this anecdote online - but it just came to mind and it nicely summates the kind of thing I'm talking about. A couple of years ago, my sister - being an overly-protective, curious older-female figure in my life decided she needed to monitor my "texting habits" to the people I was dating. Her reasoning: 'you're too excitable, you give too much away'. I took this as an insult (I'm sensitive, I know). I just want to talk to guys the way I talk to everyone, I said. 'You've got to play the game,' she replied. I remember distinctly thinking, the person I'll really want won't play the game either.

Whoa settle girl, you say, cringing. I know - who is that optimistic in the dating world?? Oh, he took 2 minutes to reply? You should wait four. Or seven. But, who's counting?

I decided I wouldn't. I really didn't want to (couldn't be bothered to?) subscribe to that confusing tangle of mindgames and cynicism. I believe that if someone wanted to be in my life, they would. They wouldn't want to make me feel as though I had to wait an hour because I would apparently seem too eager. I decided to be optimistic about the fact that someone out there felt that way too. And, If you're planning to crush my dreams and tell me 'a little of the hard to get game won't hurt', I understand. You're trying to save me from making a fool of myself because you know from experience - and you're right in many ways. But hey, I've been a fool too (trust me), yet somehow this hopeless idealism has brought me real love before - and although the last stint didn't quite last the forever I hoped it would, I'm not backing down anytime soon.

This applies to a whole lot of other stuff too - like when people ask (and I absolutely hate this one): "why are you so passionate about 'x' when in reality your contribution to the cause probably won't do much?". This apathy is something I feel like truly optimistic people can't stomach. I know, I sound like a nut when I cheesily reply with bs like 'every little step in the path of progress helps'... I choke on my words when I say them out loud - but, in reality I actually, honestly and resoundingly mean it.

I wish I could have more of an impact on the world (here's me dreaming that one day I actually might) - and me putting my hat in the ring at the barely-qualified age of 22 is ambitious to say the least. Yet, I hope to stay positive. I endeavour to put my hand up to be ever-present, ever-sharing and sometimes overexposed because our generation has so much (so much!) freedom to discuss and generate awareness and change.

We've gotta believe our own passion, and really genuinely convincingly have faith in it for it to come across to others.

Here is me openly choosing to remain hopeful and romantic about all things cliché like love, equality, peace and happiness!

Here is me hoping you choose to, too.


♡ Mielz