Since I've been writing these blogs, people from all over my life have been asking me questions about relationships and love (and giving me much appreciated validation, haha thanks guys). My general response is - "don't ask me, I still have no idea how you know it's going to work. If I did, I'm not sure I'd willingly be in this position." What position, you ask? I'm sure you know by now. Heartbroken, insecure and unsure of what the f*$% I'm gonna do with all this goddamn affection and love I have been fostering within me since before I can remember.
All this goddamn love for a person I currently don't even know exists.
I wasn't inspired to write tonight by any bout of sadness or resentment, but rather was motivated by the sadness of close people around me in the lead up to the supposedly-joyous occasion of Valentines Day. Funnily enough, I'm not affected by it this year (because I don't see it as an entirely genuine holiday, but that's my own opinion) and I just wanted to have a crack at looking at why I feel so attached to this concept of a future monogamous relationship.
It's crazy for me to say I'm maintaining a love for someone who is essentially hypothetical at this point in time - but let's be real... there's more than a handful of young women and men out there that know exactly what I mean. I honestly don't need to love right now. I don't feel like each day I'm constantly searching for "him". But I am optimistic. I know that eventually I'll naturally find myself back wanting to have that exhilarating feeling of being vulnerable but comfortable and secure at the same time. It's that paradox we search for that makes the love feel real - the assuredness is paramount, but so is the helplessness. It's not a yucky or demoralising kind of helplessness though - it's not really 'helplessness' at all. I like to think it's the part of love we oftentimes like to call infatuation. Here - let me explain:
Infatuation is helpless in the way that you can't help but want more of them. Helpless regarding the inevitable jealousies that might sometimes (or often) plague your mind, regardless of whether you voice them or not. It's helplessly hoping they are considering you in their future plans and helplessly thinking of them when momentous things happen. It's being unable to help yourself from fondly branding their little quirks, mannerisms and the sheer sensation of their presence in your mind. It's a helpless feeling of sickness when they're not around for long enough, and a similarly helpless feeling of ecstasy when they return.
Those are some of the things that make love for me - for all of us. Yet, of course, what I just described wasn't love but rather infatuation. Love is that, plus stability; commitment - choice. That is the kind of love I'm holding out for. The combo.
Anyway, this started out writing this as a kind of expose on 'how love changes you' but decided to reroute it because I suddenly realised that my relationships have changed me in such complex ways I couldn't even begin to ascertain any kind of definitive list. One thing I know for sure is that the years of being in love, convincing myself I'm in love and dating duds to find love have helped me figure out what love is. Well, at least what it is to me.
I freaked out earlier that writing this series of self-concerned heartbreak blogs would make everyone in my life reject me as some crazy-overbearing man-obsessed human that can't regulate her feelings. And hey, maybe it will.
But I'm willing to do that because I know some valuable people understand where I'm coming from and want to know someone out there is thinking what they're thinking too. Happy valentines day to you guys, here's me appreciating your pent up love for your future hypothetical partner.
We're in this crazy world together.
It'll be alright.
xxx
