I’m ungrateful,
erratic, self-absorbed, easily hurt. I lack self-control. I need validation. I
seek escape, and dream of better times when good times have just happened. I’m
forgetful and lazy. I lack consistency. I hold onto dreams longer than I should.
I spend too much. I laugh too loud. I collapse emotionally and without warning.
I rely on people to help me through my failures, even when I burden them. I
always want to be noticed. Actually, often, I think I need to be noticed. I’m
controlled by emotion. I let my aching engulf my understanding. I zone out of
important conversations. I don’t do well with remembering concrete facts and information.
I am unhealthily competitive even though I try my best not to look like I am. I make ugly
noises in my sleep. I don’t think I remember what it feels like to feel
beautiful without someone telling me. I am lonely, and I dwell in that feeling.
I like in-groups and feeling cool (when inherently I'm just not cool). I cry a lot (snotty,
snotty crying). I struggle to sleep normal hours. I struggle to see how any of
me is worth loving. I am struggling, perpetually, to stop feeling like I want
this feeling to go away.
I stopped writing, and a lot of this built up within me to a toxic level.
As much as I sound like I hate myself, I don't. It felt really detoxifying to write out all that was bothering me into one nasty little throw-away paragraph. That's everything I keep bottled up and festering within me until I want to explode. It's almost nice to realise that so many of the flaws I possess can be reversed as strengths. Maybe tomorrow I'll make a task for myself to write out the opposing statements.
Anyway, it's just nice to write.
I'm ok. Don't worry. My flaw manifesto is just for me to realise my faults are finite.
I am not an endless mess.
