Ah, dating apps. The worst. Honestly, they're just a medium that amplifies lust and choice and more often than not they render dating in today's romantic climate seriously daunting.
I can't trash it too much though - I'm currently in what some call a swiping "success story" (hi Max!) - but I've also experienced swiping-induced heartbreak (read: mielzy, 2016 lmao). So far my current relationship is approaching a year and doing pretty well... but how did I get here? uhhhhh who knows (???), but in this blog/brain vom I have some ideas of how you might find someone cool to hang out with and ~maybe~ - just maybe - fall in love with.
My wonderful friend just recently entered the dating world after breaking off an engagement with a partner of almost 7 years (!shoutout, love you, you're a queen), and one night in a haze of drinking gin, talking petty shit about exes and communally swiping for her next new 'person', we realised - what were we looking for? And when we found someone that could be him, what happens next?
1. Figure out who you're looking for
Do you want to have fun with someone and just see what happens? Are you just really in need of some intimacy in your life? Do you feel like you need to find 'the one'? Are you heartbroken and need a distraction? Are you bored? - Before you figure out who you're looking for, you've gotta look at why you're there. It's simple. Pick people to chat to who vibe your particular end game. Wanna have a casual hang? - sweet, but don't accept the second date with someone who seems commitment-prone from the get go. It'll get messy.
Want a relationship? I swear if you are even considering going on a single date with Mr. 'here for fun not the long run'; or señor 'in for a good time not a long time' - hate to break it to you, but you are merely bamboozled by his jawline. Swipe left. Just swipe. abruptly. left. And deep down YOU know hookup heroes from their chat style, even if they don't have any indication in their profile (cough* can I see a pic ;)? *cough). Don't lie to yourself, or, at least be real with your expectations on that date with Mr/Ms hookup if you go on it anyway.
2. Don't be afraid to be yourself
I know it's a tired sentiment but how do you expect someone to love you if they meet a different version of you? Like... don't go out of your way to scare them with your quirks, but don't hide your humour, ideas, values or opinions purely to seem palatable. What if your seemingly unpalatable or super dorky joke makes him pee a little with laughter? You'll never know. Be open. Your friends love your shit, who knows, your hinge match might too.
3. Emotionally prepare for things not to work
The menagerie that is app-dating means sometimes people get distracted by other shiny things. Doesn't mean you're not shiny, wonderful or great - ghosting behaviour is just a for sure sign that the particular connection wasn't right. It smashes your ego to pieces and the rejection leaves a mark on your soul that lasts for days - if not weeks - but, someone who will truly love you one day won't give up on you that easy at the start.
I mean, there's probably some weird love story out there where someone got ghosted by their destined life partner and meets them out a year later or something and that person's like "OMG! i've been thinking about you since we lost touch" and they live happily ever after, but statistically - is that really you? (I guess you can take that bet on your own. God luck pining)
Trust the process: as much as they have been distracted by something or someone, there's a whole waiting list of new, other shiny people for you to swipe and learn to love too (including yourself, but that's a topic for a different kind of blog)
4. Be honest with your expectations
The best thing about being single is you have nobody to answer to romantically; you can have any expectation from dating that you want. Yes, it can be tiring to see guys just message 'just so you know, I'm only here for fun', but at least they're being truthful. If you're down for that, but want to be more subtle, hint people with your flirty and fun expectations from the get go. Tell them you want to have drunk hang-outs or are ' just wanting new experiences.' It's called communication, I know we can all do it - but it seems we all might need to do it a bit better.
I'm not saying that if you're down for commitment you should say that you're looking for love straight off the bat in an awkward, 'I'm swiping for the one,' kind of way... I'm saying, if you really like someone and you hit it off through playful banter from the get go, at some point it might be a smart idea for your own sake to ask the anxiety-inducing, fateful question: 'What brought you on Tinder/Hinge/Bumble?'
Some peoples' answers might surprise you. The resulting conversation might eventually lead to a healthy, loving, supportive relationship. Just Sayin'
5. Have fun
(So cheesy that this classic directive is my last point)
Dating can be fun, OK?! Some people have electric connections; some people have zero in common; some people might piss you off; some people might make you feel uneasy (alright in this case, abort mission ASAP) - in the end, I don't regret the hilarious date stories I have up my sleeve because I found someone I can now say I really do love.
As I said before, rejection hurts - but, you ask yourself this: is potential looOoOove worth it?
Anyway, I was going to literally hand write this as a list for my friend as a lame break-up guide of some kind, but I remembered I have a blog and I love to overshare with my world.
Be back with another post at some other unpredictable time in the future.
Love, M x
