2hrs and 15 Minutes ago I planned to write a 'Motivational Post'

...And, here I am writing it now.

So... motivation... mmmm. It's a bit silly for me to try and give anyone tips about how to be organised (because my own 'to do list' is in shambles rn) but I do have some wisdom on how to stop procrastinating from a highly mental perspective.

If you're like me, you're likely procrastinating because you're scared that if you put in tonnes of effort and don't do as well as you'd like to it's like some kind of sign from the heavens you're not that great - right?

Often this is a very subconscious process, if you immediately said 'pfft.. no.. I'm just lazy' then (a) maybe you are just lazy or (b) maybe you're in fact scared and won't admit it because your expectations for yourself are legitemately that high (and/or unhealthily low at times)

Here are some phresh (not at all) lil things I do to get that #1 task on my mountain done.

1. What is the worst case scenario of f#$%ing things up? (OK doesn't sound like a healthy way to approach anxiety but...) Look, you're probably not going to go into cardiac arrest. Your boyfriend and/or girlfriend probably won't break up with you. You're not going to become homeless, or go hungry or anything like that. Once you get past the fear of failure so many of the little steps become easier. I'm not trying to preach...  If you figure out a way to effectively tell yourself that the worst is not in fact the literal worst then let me know your magical ways (my tricks only work ~50% of the time)

2. What about you is good? Not being a cheesepuff but honestly cut out the stuff you can buy, or the things you achieved on paper. Now look. Why do you like waking up in the morning? Are you confident af in everything you do (not me lol)?? Do you have meticulous attention to detail (also not me lol)? Are you really goddamn resilient? Are you dynamic? A good listener? All these things are not going to go away if something goes wrong in your job/academically/in your social life. YOU are going to come out of the hike the same person with the same good attributes that aren't superficial or transient. Hold onto those. They build you up, not in the same way a promotion or a high distinction or a super enviable hot boyfriend does. They build you up higher.

3. Why are you doing this task in the first place? Are you really silly enough to have put yourself in the position where the outcome brings no satisfaction... at all? TBH most of us are studying for degrees (or slamming away in graduate jobs/dismal creative industries) where the long-term picture is hard to see past the day-to-day grind. Close your eyes for a sec and dream: remember why you put yourself in this sh!#storm in the first place - remember the crossed-fingers and how you refreshed your email 15 times to see if UAC/Uni/your employer got back to you. Heck, for those people whose task is working on a difficult relationship... remember the butterflies! And, the sad side of this point is that if there aren't any crossed fingers - or butterflies - is it time for you to consider why there isn't? And if not, is that ok with you?

4. I've run out of momentum but, hey, it inspired me for a final note - have you ever struggled to be motivated before? If so, what got you past the point where this personal petrol meter came up empty? Stop thinking about how awful it feels to be constantly studying/waking up early/going to unsuccessful interviews RIGHT NOW. When have you - in your past - shown that you're bigger than that? What happened? Did you eat a fabulous $60 meal and remember the essence of life again? (Do that. ASAP. But then, get some work done) Did you visit a place that inspires you? Did you do a 1hr crossfit session that for a split second made you feel like Hercules? Go and do it. Make it push you in the right direction. Bathe in that self-worth. You might just need it to be motivated. Don't run away with the activity (like don't only go to the gym instead of study or only order pepperoni pizza every day), but remember procrastination often stems from a lack of self worth. So let yourself take time to build it.

I'm going to try and take my own advice right this moment and complete task #2 for the day. But honestly - good luck to everyone.

Love,

Mielz xx

Yikes

Today has been a pretty full on day. Trump just won the US presidency, and it's irking me right now that after all that drama I am currently doing a full-marathon in my own head. I have a lot on my mind and most of it is entirely self absorbed. I have a few self-criticisms I'd like to share with the world and I don't (at all) want any compliments or pep-talks in response to them. I merely want to document my own thoughts so that I am able to reflect on them and really consolidate why I'm feeling so... lacklustre. OK. Lacklustre isn't exactly how i'm feeling, but I'm not depressed or panicking either. I'm just... *insert word that means floppy* - I am floppy?

Ha, I'm just saying "I am floppy" over and over and it's really amusing. 'Hey Timmy (my dog)! Do you know that I am floppy?' ...he's looking pretty confused. Maybe I'll leave the floppiness to him.

Ok. Here it is.

1. I am so scared of offending people. Sometimes it makes me come off as fickle and lacking conviction. I like to write topical statuses confirming majority views and teeter on the safe side of social justice. I am a vocal, but only when it's acceptable. I instigate deeper thought, but only when I know my audience is open to it. I don't bite down onto the chilli and talk to people who aren't on my side. I don't rock the boat, and I believe that makes me lazy and kind of a hypocrite.

2. I seek constant, persistent, absolutely unimaginable amounts of affirmation. I don't know where this stems from... I had an entirely healthy upbringing with supportive - yet wholly liberating - parents. I was probably only teased for at most 2-3 years of schooling and underwent some bullying (but not to the extent that would foster a debilitating lack of self worth). Yet, here I am begging for my loved ones to continuously give me pats on the back. If I could get a pat on the back every hour I would probably take it. Ugh, and I just don't know why I need to? I just feel so lonely without affection and approval.

3. I focus way too much on how I perceive people will react to my actions. I have actually been noticing how absurd the hypothetical scenarios + dialogue in my head can get.

I was reflecting on what this blog is, and honestly, I think it doesn't amount to much at all. I'm just glad I have somewhere to release all of this brain sludge that i'm churning out minute by minute. I don't think I'll ever come on here to write an opinion piece or a beautiful philosophical interpretation of modern dating. I think I'll just write about myself, because in the end that's all I feel qualified for.