Progress post (on my heart, not my abs, unfortunately)

It looks like almost half a year has gone by since I was acutely heartbroken and started writing about it - so, what do I have to show for it?

Not long ago, a distant friend of mine reached out about her own very recent heartbreak, and even though I don't know her that well - or even for very long - the way her voice sounded was so familiar. It was that devastating mix of desperation, shock, fear and intangible longing. She was right at the beginning her repair journey, unsure of whether she could muster the cojones to climb out of the deep well she found herself in. I told her she would. Everyone does, it's just a matter of time.

I do not claim to have made a gigantic leap, nor am I going to prematurely say I've wholeheartedly moved on from the hurt that encompassed me 24 weeks ago. I'm still in a transitional stage and I don't quite know how long I'll be here or whether I even know what course is coming next in this emotional degustation.

My progress is realising that I'm 22 and my entire life I've been in love with the idea of other people, but never the idea of myself. My progress is also realising that I'm not alone in this dilemma. I was listening to the lovely artist Lorde's new album (fab), and there's this song called 'liability' that honestly ripped at my poor ol' heartstrings. I go into most of my friendships/relationships believing I have nothing to offer the other person - or even more severely, I am a burden to that person.

I know this sounds like a cry for help/obvious call for validation, but it isn't. I know there are people in my life who appreciate my friendship... but none of that means I am able to effectively convert that to a self-knowledge of my own value. I continue to fear there's this undefined "something" I will do wrong that will cause me to lose everything. I know a lot of you out there who have experienced anxiety might feel this way, or have once felt this way, too. That's why I continue to write.

This means that I am obnoxiously paranoid about the likelihood for other people to impress and serve my loved ones to a better capacity than I can. I know in the past that this has manifested itself as jealousy, which has been to the detriment to my romantic relationships and even some friendships. I am scared of not being wanted so often that it's kind of debilitating (regardless of how I look on the surface).

This breakup served me in the sense that it brought all these issues to the surface. As a single girl, I'm not allowed to seek minute-by-minute validation from my 'it' person to tell me that I'm an alright human being when I need it. I can't leech of their love for me to fill a confusing void of self-worth. I need to find that self-worth, and although this process will be arduous and self-involved, it needs to be meaningful and far-removed from any kind of superficial measures that have thus far worked only to deplete it.

I need to stop asking myself what I'm doing wrong and learn to focus on what I have done right to have gotten me to this point. It's not just me though, we all need to do this. I see a lot of people around me who are undoubtedly already SO successful and resilient who constantly tell themselves they could have more or do better.

What is wrong with that mindset is the baseline you're comparing to. If it's yourself - fine. One single mark more on a university task should fulfil that 'do better' principle. Having more energy because of an extra hour of sleep is already a big tick on that 'have more' checklist. The problem lies when you start to involve others' progress in evaluating your own. I am a major culprit of this and it's probably a huge part of why my anxiety was exacerbated in the selective school system. Although academically I've grown a lot since then, socially, my comparison reflex is still in overdrive.

This is where I've made the most progress. Whilst I continue to reflexively compare, it's no where near as bad as it used to be. It's a matter of seeing someones travel photo and being mindful that I should feel wonder and intrigue rather than immediately rush to question whether I'm doing enough with my life (I call it the FOMO effect - seriously, this has happened distinctly on COUNTLESS occasions). It's finishing a test that was hard - yet feeling like I've passed - and not being emotionally affected by that ONE person who said it "wasn't bad at all". It's seeing love manifested in PDA and not obsessively wondering why they're so lucky and instead realising that my own timeline is unique and I can't just force love to happen.

Hopefully an accumulation of these things will help me understand that I'm an alright human being without a partner. Hopefully they make me realise that a life on my own - albeit unwanted - would be interesting, dynamic and absolutely survivable (if not great).

And if that someone does come along, hopefully it means I can accept their love without questioning whether they will leave if something better comes along.

I guess it's just a matter of time.

x M

Today I didn't wake up okay (but this is not the only time)

Last night I had a vivid dream about blurred vision and shaky hands. I had a dream where everyone around me was moving on, happy and secure and I was stagnant; lonely; still. I used to have these dreams very often - but then I sought help - and now they're a lot less frequent and a lot less suffocatingly realistic. But the annoying thing is, they still exist. They still make me want to be alone and safe in my own little cave where no one can taunt me or make me jealous.

I am in bed. I just woke up and it's 12:53 PM and I feel horrible. I feel like I wasted my morning because I was too lazy to get up and do things. I was too scared to wake up and face the day. I never used to admit that, but hey... here I am admitting it. Step one.

I know my mind is playing tricks on me, but I can't help but feel like I'm weak for letting it. Weak. Ugh - what a yucky, sad little word. But everyone with anxiety knows that word. There's a consistency in this disease that doesn't ever really fade or go away. If you convince yourself you're not weak, you worry that other people know it's all a facade. "She's really just faking it", you hear them think (yes you can hear people think), "she actually isn't cut out for this." Cut out for what? you ask... everything. I wake up most days with a very real version of impostor syndrome.

When my psychologist first told me about this phenomenon - or 'fraud syndrome' - I had difficulty placing myself in its confines. What? According to Wikipedia - "Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved." I know I work hard. I said to them. I wanted to dismiss that I could be described as someone who was avoidant, ignorant even. 

Avoidance was the key. My life, as many others with anxiety, is avoiding being put on the spot. Avoidance of someone realising how little worth we have in the grand scheme of things. Competence, knowledge, security - those are all things that are so intangible to me oftentimes I want to give up on it completely. But I won't. It's 1:06 PM and I'm going to do things with my day. 

I wrote this because I was scared of starting the email to my M.D. tutor about how I haven't submitted my ethics and I need help (because it's hard and I don't know how to do it). I wrote this because I felt like if I didn't, I'd fall back asleep and try to avoid it for 1 more day. I wrote this because although sometimes I can look fearless and strong - like I've overcome my mental illness - I sometimes am not, and that to me doesn't feel ok. 

But I am awake, breathing. I have love around me and a pretty wicked mind that can accomplish amazing things.

I can do this. 

You can do this.

Let's go.

x M