Not to be that d-bag that quotes themselves, but once I wrote a blog and said this in a big 'ol post about being heartbroken: "You loved that person because in your mind they ticked all the big boxes - for me it was ambition, thoughtfulness, humour and attraction. These boxes are not finite. They are complicated and unexplainable and exist in beautiful bouquets in thousands of other people."
I wrote that post 17 months ago, exuberantly insisting that I was logical enough to grasp the situation for what it was, thinking, hey... I'm stronger than this hurt. Sometimes I was. Much of that initial bit of moving on, I was being honest with you all about how I was moving forward and embracing my independence, but in reality, I stopped blogging because I succumbed. I did what so many of us do and hid how I really felt - substantially lost in this limbo of longing for the past with a frustrating inability to cut loose ends.
I didn't cut them at all, in fact, I let them linger.
I'll let you interpret that how you want, but if you've been in this situation before - surely, you know what I mean.
I didn't try to appreciate those "boxes" in other people. I had every intention to, but I still kept that checklist firmly and stubbornly adhered to him. Those boxes were his and his forever. I thought that was just how it was going to be for good. It isn't. Maybe it took me months of slowly regaining my sense of self on my own and lust for other people to realise that, but 1.5 years later and I'm pretty stoked that I can admit to myself that leaving those strings uncut was a mistake. I held myself back in a way that I didn't need to (yes, friends and fam, I finally understand your pleas for me to see my situation for what it was).
I'm not stupid for letting myself linger, I just got caught up in an idealism that I'm proud to bestow. I saw a friend in a very very similar situation make these exact same questionable choices and convinced myself repeatedly that it would be different for me. Nope, it wasn't - but I had to learn that myself. I had to cut the loose ends on my own.
There's still strings there. I'm honest and self-reflecting enough to realise that. If I could just do the job overnight, I wouldn't have this blog now, would I?
But I'm so much happier. I'm excited for a lot of different things and they're not just to do with soulmates and feeling completed or fulfilled.
They're to do with those times I sit and reflect about the world for what it is and where I stand, knowing at the base of my heart I am so grateful to be here with the people I have surrounding me.
I forgive myself for dancing in limbo for this long. Hope y'all who have been frustrated with me can forgive me too xxx
