I wrote a poem about my broken heart the other day (above) and posted it to instagram after a gruelling mental debate on whether it was tacky and well... just a downright shit idea. It turned out it wasn't and I'm super glad I mustered up the courage to post such an intimate, mundane and oddly significant piece of myself online. This blog post isn't just in reference to internet sharing - even though I am ecstatic to be seeing fellow friends putting their wonderful selves out there with their art/writing/photos/opinions (I thoroughly enjoy venturing inside a mind other than my own once in a while) - I'm writing about why I had to question myself and my motives in the first place.
I questioned myself because in the past I've been teased, belittled and singled out for being a "try hard", "hopeless" and "naive". I am all of those things, some of the time. I know this now, and after doing a bit of adulting I'm actually seeing how all those insults actually helped create a version of me that I don't want to dampen or let go of. I am oftentimes judged by the fact that I don't keep much of what I'm thinking to myself, that I post too much, or I say how I feel too easily.
It makes me think of how I approach people - friends, men, acquaintances (anyone, really). Actually, I wasn't planning to admit this anecdote online - but it just came to mind and it nicely summates the kind of thing I'm talking about. A couple of years ago, my sister - being an overly-protective, curious older-female figure in my life decided she needed to monitor my "texting habits" to the people I was dating. Her reasoning: 'you're too excitable, you give too much away'. I took this as an insult (I'm sensitive, I know). I just want to talk to guys the way I talk to everyone, I said. 'You've got to play the game,' she replied. I remember distinctly thinking, the person I'll really want won't play the game either.
Whoa settle girl, you say, cringing. I know - who is that optimistic in the dating world?? Oh, he took 2 minutes to reply? You should wait four. Or seven. But, who's counting?
I decided I wouldn't. I really didn't want to (couldn't be bothered to?) subscribe to that confusing tangle of mindgames and cynicism. I believe that if someone wanted to be in my life, they would. They wouldn't want to make me feel as though I had to wait an hour because I would apparently seem too eager. I decided to be optimistic about the fact that someone out there felt that way too. And, If you're planning to crush my dreams and tell me 'a little of the hard to get game won't hurt', I understand. You're trying to save me from making a fool of myself because you know from experience - and you're right in many ways. But hey, I've been a fool too (trust me), yet somehow this hopeless idealism has brought me real love before - and although the last stint didn't quite last the forever I hoped it would, I'm not backing down anytime soon.
This applies to a whole lot of other stuff too - like when people ask (and I absolutely hate this one): "why are you so passionate about 'x' when in reality your contribution to the cause probably won't do much?". This apathy is something I feel like truly optimistic people can't stomach. I know, I sound like a nut when I cheesily reply with bs like 'every little step in the path of progress helps'... I choke on my words when I say them out loud - but, in reality I actually, honestly and resoundingly mean it.
I wish I could have more of an impact on the world (here's me dreaming that one day I actually might) - and me putting my hat in the ring at the barely-qualified age of 22 is ambitious to say the least. Yet, I hope to stay positive. I endeavour to put my hand up to be ever-present, ever-sharing and sometimes overexposed because our generation has so much (so much!) freedom to discuss and generate awareness and change.
We've gotta believe our own passion, and really genuinely convincingly have faith in it for it to come across to others.
Here is me openly choosing to remain hopeful and romantic about all things cliché like love, equality, peace and happiness!
Here is me hoping you choose to, too.
♡ Mielz
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