How working in the Emergency Department forced me to face my loneliness and simultaneously reinforced that I never, ever, want to settle

Mopey me here with another introspective special, TLDR to the bottom now if you’re not into emotions pals.

ED as a doctor is one of those terms where every shift ends with a big ol’sigh and - in my new commuter life - a 30 min relay of thoughts on the solo drive home trying not to overanalyse the absolutely dumbfounding vastness of the human experience you bore witness to that day. As someone who loves human connection and studying people/emotions/relationships, it’s undoubteldly a wonderful thing. For majority of the time, it was heartwarming to see firsthand the depth of love and grief people expressed for their loved ones in times of need. 

For instance, I had the pleasure of interacting with an 88-year-old man who – with a forlorn look on his face – brought in his acutely delirious wife of 63 years into the ED because she’d forgotten who he was that morning. He was so damn worried about her; I could see it clearly in the way he interacted with me - he just wanted her to be okay. I remember asking, “do you know if she has any pain?”, and he replied with, “I don’t know, I’ve always endeavoured to be the only pain in her life”.

In my last blog I threw away this passage as though it was advice that I didn’t need to hear: - There's just as much loving, if not more, to be had roaming the world on 'your own', we all just need to find little ways of channelling it. So far, my friends have been my main outlet for affection, and work has been my main outlet for attention. It's not quite the same as a forehead kiss, or a hand squeeze on a rough day, but in some ways it's better.  Reflecting on that, I legitimately think it’s a reasonable outlook to hold. In practice, as someone who (and if you read this blog, you know) just goddamn wants to love and be loved, it’s fucking hard to maintain. 

Seriously, haha I just wanted a hand squeeze when I got home so many times. 

It felt like I saw all this love and connection; I was warmed by it, it gave me all this joy, and when I got home to my own  mind I was acutely aware that I didn’t have a ‘person’ of my own. I felt simultaneously hopeless and silly for caring so much, but then would listen to music (so much music) and watch TV shows (like Love Life, Modern Love, Brooklyn 99 *Jake and Amy*, or literally ANYTHING on TV) that comforted me and reminded me that I’m not the only one that craves it.

I am just a legitimate crazy person for admitting it to myself constantly, and well, to everyone else like right now in this post.

I even had idle moments with well-meaning patients when they’d ask me about my life “so what does your partner do while you’re on this 12 hour shift?”, and would inwardly cringe at their awkward retraction when I would laugh and tell them dorkily that there’s nobody waiting for me when I get home.

Despite this, ED definitely hasn’t just made me want ‘someone’ for the long term for the sake of someone being there. If anything, it’s reminded me what lifelong partnership looks – or should – look like. It’s made me face my own relationship habits and confront the fact that maybe because I fell in love at 14 and again at 20 (and loving others after and in between), that I never quite got used to the daily act of being alone. 

It made me realise that, hey, maybe I’m acutally pretty shitty at being alone and I’m still very much a work in progress - but that’s OK.

My person’s probably not gonna find me if I’m running in every direction like a madwoman looking for them. So here’s the hundredth reminder to myself – give it time.

TLDR; we all get lonely sometimes and being with someone for the sake of being with someone is no longer my baseline.

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So, you’re on your own again – what now?

You thought you loved someone a couple weeks ago, maybe that love died a couple months ago... but right now, you’re no longer… in love. Maybe you still love that person; maybe it hasn’t quite hit you yet that at some undetermined point on your timeline, you’ll stop loving that person romantically completely. Yet, it’s happened - the relationship is over - there’s nothing left to do.

There’s no more fight, there’s just your thoughts, and well.. you.

I just had a lengthy phone session with a friend about their (very) recent break-up, and whilst talking through potential outcomes - him being somewhat hopeful about the idea that she would figure out that she’d dun f*ked up and come running back - I offered this up to him: 

“you don’t want to have to convince someone to choose you - you don’t want it to feel like every move you make is one step away from them figuring out they don’t want to be with you; that’s not love. It might feel like it in the good bits, but it’s not a relationship that will last”

It was oddly rational, but it felt like a really nice way to sum up some of the things I’d learnt from my multiple failures at finding my 'person' (do~ you ~exist lol? doubting it at this point, lmao). 

I wrote a blog in Jan 2017 titled "Why being single makes me feel so insecure (and why I should probably be single for a while)" that ended with:

[Look, I am a classic maker of grand statements. I can't say what my love life will be in the near future, but I definitely don't think my soulmate will come striding in to commit to me and my big plans any time soon, so maybe this is my chance to work on how I feel about myself. Not myself on a holiday, or myself at a festival. Not how I feel about myself with a hypothetical partner and life.

Myself.

Just me, as I am.

So I can be the one that determines whether I am enough.]

I got into a relationship a year after I wrote that which has only recently just ended for good (oops), so I'm on my own again. The question is - have I figured out if I'm enough? 

I don't know if I can answer that, and as a high-functioning anxious girl with a lot of big (almost unattainable) dreams, I don't know if I ever will.

I am, however, secure in the fact that I don't expect my future 'person' to fix that. I just want them to get it. My anxiety makes 'enough'-ness feel unattainable at the best of times, but that doesn't mean I'm not okay on my own. It just means that I'll struggle with the concept of being enough with or without a partner, and whether or not that struggle ever ends is really only up to me.

And so, what now? 

There's just as much loving, if not more, to be had roaming the world on 'your own', we all just need to find little ways of channelling it. So far, my friends have been my main outlet for affection, and work has been my main outlet for attention. It's not quite the same as a forehead kiss, or a hand squeeze on a rough day, but in some ways it's better.

Rely on yourself. Attempt the recipe. Take up the hobby. Talk to that old friend. Challenge yourself.

You have all the time in the world for romantic love (if you're like me, you've probably already spent a fair chunk of your life in it). 

SO, I say now you should just love yourself for a bit.

Sounds cheesy. It is. Do it anyway.

 ♡