Today I didn't wake up okay (but this is not the only time)

Last night I had a vivid dream about blurred vision and shaky hands. I had a dream where everyone around me was moving on, happy and secure and I was stagnant; lonely; still. I used to have these dreams very often - but then I sought help - and now they're a lot less frequent and a lot less suffocatingly realistic. But the annoying thing is, they still exist. They still make me want to be alone and safe in my own little cave where no one can taunt me or make me jealous.

I am in bed. I just woke up and it's 12:53 PM and I feel horrible. I feel like I wasted my morning because I was too lazy to get up and do things. I was too scared to wake up and face the day. I never used to admit that, but hey... here I am admitting it. Step one.

I know my mind is playing tricks on me, but I can't help but feel like I'm weak for letting it. Weak. Ugh - what a yucky, sad little word. But everyone with anxiety knows that word. There's a consistency in this disease that doesn't ever really fade or go away. If you convince yourself you're not weak, you worry that other people know it's all a facade. "She's really just faking it", you hear them think (yes you can hear people think), "she actually isn't cut out for this." Cut out for what? you ask... everything. I wake up most days with a very real version of impostor syndrome.

When my psychologist first told me about this phenomenon - or 'fraud syndrome' - I had difficulty placing myself in its confines. What? According to Wikipedia - "Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved." I know I work hard. I said to them. I wanted to dismiss that I could be described as someone who was avoidant, ignorant even. 

Avoidance was the key. My life, as many others with anxiety, is avoiding being put on the spot. Avoidance of someone realising how little worth we have in the grand scheme of things. Competence, knowledge, security - those are all things that are so intangible to me oftentimes I want to give up on it completely. But I won't. It's 1:06 PM and I'm going to do things with my day. 

I wrote this because I was scared of starting the email to my M.D. tutor about how I haven't submitted my ethics and I need help (because it's hard and I don't know how to do it). I wrote this because I felt like if I didn't, I'd fall back asleep and try to avoid it for 1 more day. I wrote this because although sometimes I can look fearless and strong - like I've overcome my mental illness - I sometimes am not, and that to me doesn't feel ok. 

But I am awake, breathing. I have love around me and a pretty wicked mind that can accomplish amazing things.

I can do this. 

You can do this.

Let's go.

x M