As predicted, I'm here with a sad heart. I'm writing a blog for all those like me who ever thought they were with someone that was "the one", but that person fell out of love with them. Yep, I've heard that's the worst kind of heartbreak, and after being cheated on twice and at the termination of my 3rd substantial young relationship... I'm fairly certain it's true.
Not that being cheated on isn't completely shitty. It is, and I wouldn't discount that as an awful experience to go through because trust me, if you asked 19-year-old me to rate its severity out of 10, she'd give you a solid 100. But, 19 year old me hadn't had to learn how to un-love that boy. She didn't have to wish she hated him... she just did. She was able to forge a sufficient story in her mind to banish thought of him. She immediately listed the cons of that relationship and thrived in the fact that she could do better.
This thing that I feel right now, however. This is totally different.
This is realising that we weren't right for each other, no matter how 'perfect' it felt. This is acknowledging that love is hard work, and if that person does not wish to put in that work anymore than that is a sure sign that the love is not there and you should move on. That's far more easily said than done when you're quick to remember staring into each others eyes for hours and love letters claiming you each would go 'to the end of the earth' for each other. But - maybe this termination is the end of your earth - your combined earth - and whilst you did as much as you could, you travelled to the edge and there was nowhere forward. At least, not for now*.
*On that point, it's hard for the "love-loss-victim" (the one that is still moreso in love i.e. me) to not postulate whether it could work out in the future. I felt so damn pathetic all of yesterday because I couldn't help but visualise scenarios in our late 20's when we'd 'bump' (lol) into each other all happy-and-fulfilled-and-shit and somehow we'd fall in love all over again. That's a coping mechanism though, and it won't help me feel better. I need to know it's over. Today, I'm starting to feel like it is.
I will likely marry someone who is not him. I will love that person more than him (this still hurts to write).
This is exacerbated by my mental state, and I know most of you have some understanding of the exact thought process looping through my mind right now. Yet, these thoughts are zooming through my brain frighteningly fast and painfully often. Could I have been better? What could I have done differently? Should I have paid more attention? Where did I go wrong? Am I not enough? Is there something inherently wrong with me, so that I am unable to be loved?
Yes, it got pretty heavy there at the end, but it wouldn't be honest if I didn't write how I really felt. But, alas, I have thought about it A LOT and in a more optimistic swing of brain activity I have come up with a short little list for "love-loss-victims" to rebuild their outlook and remember that whilst it's a cliche that their ex-partner reinforced... 'it's not you... it's me'....
well, it really is the case
1. If compromise didn't work, then what will?
You can't force someone to love you. Just like you can't force it from the start with people who 'just aren't right for you' after the first date. As hard as it is to come to terms with, your ex-partner may have been right - fleetingly right - but not completely right in a lasting way. Think about the concessions you gave them throughout the relationship, all of the compromises you made in vast aspects of your life to accomodate them. Yes, compromise is a sign of love and you'll have to make compromises for the person you end up spending your life with. But (and here's the kicker) - the compromises you made for this most recent love weren't enough for them. They decided their lives could somehow go on for the better without you. And yes, this is fucking hard to hear, but forever love means that someone exists that wouldn't make that decision. The person who will choose you forever will never decide to tell you that their life has the chance of being better without you.
2. Age isn't just a number when it comes to young love
Being in love in your early 20's is hard, especially when the outcome of love is either marriage or separation. Self-perception and ambition play a huge role in this as well, and I've learnt from experience that a person's self-perception in their 20's is a super vulnerable and volatile force when it comes to maintaining a relationship. This is not the old days when it was normal to get married at 24 and start a family. Committing to someone at 20 is committing to someone for 10 years before all that family stuff (I'm coming from the perspective of someone who actually wants that). Some people can do it. Those people (I imagine) have simultaneously strong levels of self-perception and decisively agreeable ambition. Meaning - both of them are comfortable with the restraints a relationship puts on them (exclusivity, time constraints, geographical constraints etc.) and know their ambition works within that scaffold. This, so it seems, is often discussed in the relationship conversation as maturity. So, let's be real, if you and your 20-something partner didn't have a similar level of maturity to begin with... you were always going to be in for a difficult ride.
3. There is no time-limit to finding the one
Also difficult to hear in a time of unprecedented loneliness, but hey, it's a reality.
4. Your ex's life will not improve because they attain something better than you
Their lives might improve, and sure, I know that as much as I'm hurting right now I want nothing but happiness for him. But, his life will improve because he will attain something different to me, not better than me. I was enough. I was a mango smoothie when he regrettably wanted green tea (both delicious options).
5. There is no such thing as a limited pool of people with 'relationship material'
You loved that person because in your mind they ticked all the big boxes - for me it was ambition, thoughtfulness, humour and attraction. These boxes are not finite. They are complicated and unexplainable and exist in beautiful bouquets in thousands of other people. People also hold these traits at different levels throughout their life. Unfortunately that means that one day your lost-love might develop the maturity you wish they had at 21 when they are 29 and is likely to be a completely different person by this point. But, fortunately, that means someone else out there is on an entirely different trajectory, unknowingly waiting for someone like you to wholeheartedly sync with them.
There has been a lot of analysis that has gone into writing this and I know for sure now that my brain is just as strained as my heart is. I just needed to re-affirm myself. I needed to signify I'm okay in some other form than chanting "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" in my head. This is a testament to my idealism and my love for love, and I'm publishing it because I'm not ashamed of it.
One day I want to grow old with someone that chooses me over all worldly possessions.
It's a big dream, but I'm okay with that.
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