Today has been a pretty full on day. Trump just won the US presidency, and it's irking me right now that after all that drama I am currently doing a full-marathon in my own head. I have a lot on my mind and most of it is entirely self absorbed. I have a few self-criticisms I'd like to share with the world and I don't (at all) want any compliments or pep-talks in response to them. I merely want to document my own thoughts so that I am able to reflect on them and really consolidate why I'm feeling so... lacklustre. OK. Lacklustre isn't exactly how i'm feeling, but I'm not depressed or panicking either. I'm just... *insert word that means floppy* - I am floppy?
Ha, I'm just saying "I am floppy" over and over and it's really amusing. 'Hey Timmy (my dog)! Do you know that I am floppy?' ...he's looking pretty confused. Maybe I'll leave the floppiness to him.
Ok. Here it is.
1. I am so scared of offending people. Sometimes it makes me come off as fickle and lacking conviction. I like to write topical statuses confirming majority views and teeter on the safe side of social justice. I am a vocal, but only when it's acceptable. I instigate deeper thought, but only when I know my audience is open to it. I don't bite down onto the chilli and talk to people who aren't on my side. I don't rock the boat, and I believe that makes me lazy and kind of a hypocrite.
2. I seek constant, persistent, absolutely unimaginable amounts of affirmation. I don't know where this stems from... I had an entirely healthy upbringing with supportive - yet wholly liberating - parents. I was probably only teased for at most 2-3 years of schooling and underwent some bullying (but not to the extent that would foster a debilitating lack of self worth). Yet, here I am begging for my loved ones to continuously give me pats on the back. If I could get a pat on the back every hour I would probably take it. Ugh, and I just don't know why I need to? I just feel so lonely without affection and approval.
3. I focus way too much on how I perceive people will react to my actions. I have actually been noticing how absurd the hypothetical scenarios + dialogue in my head can get.
I was reflecting on what this blog is, and honestly, I think it doesn't amount to much at all. I'm just glad I have somewhere to release all of this brain sludge that i'm churning out minute by minute. I don't think I'll ever come on here to write an opinion piece or a beautiful philosophical interpretation of modern dating. I think I'll just write about myself, because in the end that's all I feel qualified for.
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